Personal perspective trying to see a reflection

We start reminded that we are family; then we are assured that we are not perfect. We praise, we prepare and our ears open; our hearts are pollinated like a flower. The first reading sets a tone, the second holds the emotions of the psalm reading; the beginning prepares us for the good news. The Gospel must intellectually be viewed if we hear a name; must be personally viewed if we don't and always to be visualized. Father speaks and tries to spread hope; joy and strength are the tools I connect most deeply. Then we offer what is in our hearts and provisions. “Oh Guardian angel guide and carry my prayer; I am ignorant and weak, please help me not fall into stupidity.” Singing is happening but I don’t connect with this song; I would force myself to sing, but I am too busy writing. The gifts seen and unseen are on the alter, I pray that my heart grows today; I feel more beautiful and ugly everyday. We ask for blessing, the priest says “wash me of my iniquities cleans me of my sins” This reminds me of Pontius Pilate when he washed his hands of Jesus trying to be innocent. The doors open, heaven light is showing and the angels sing Holy, Holy Holy. The awareness is growing, my willingness more accepting but my worthiness sinks as the bread is being concentrated. All glory and honor is Yours all mighty Father. How I can't love I am thinking, then we share peace; I will try to let go of any transgressions, a start to believing I am worthy, but I still don’t feel worth because I reflect on the garden of Eden, the Passion and my personal sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the words and my soul will be healed. Before mass was confession, but I still need to be dragged to the Eucharist. I will try to focus and try to make everyone around me invisible and the invisible visible, walking with reverent steps, I peak up from a bow and the tabernacle is empty.  He has risen! I can't judge good or bad I must just love, judging is not in my nature, love is what God is.   I am holding the Fruit of this mystery in my hands;  I heard the angels are Jealous when I receive the Eucharist, probably because I don’t adore properly; my angel my guardian dear please guide me. The tabernacle closes I sit the priest still stands, we pray a final blessing to help me get though the rest of the day. I am blessed, mass has ended then I pray with thanks.