Personal perspective trying to see a reflection

We start reminded that we are family; then we are assured that we are not perfect. We praise, we prepare and our ears open; our hearts are pollinated like a flower. The first reading sets a tone, the second holds the emotions of the psalm reading; the beginning prepares us for the good news. The Gospel must intellectually be viewed if we hear a name; must be personally viewed if we don't and always to be visualized. Father speaks and tries to spread hope; joy and strength are the tools I connect most deeply. Then we offer what is in our hearts and provisions. “Oh Guardian angel guide and carry my prayer; I am ignorant and weak, please help me not fall into stupidity.” Singing is happening but I don’t connect with this song; I would force myself to sing, but I am too busy writing. The gifts seen and unseen are on the alter, I pray that my heart grows today; I feel more beautiful and ugly everyday. We ask for blessing, the priest says “wash me of my iniquities cleans me of my sins” This reminds me of Pontius Pilate when he washed his hands of Jesus trying to be innocent. The doors open, heaven light is showing and the angels sing Holy, Holy Holy. The awareness is growing, my willingness more accepting but my worthiness sinks as the bread is being concentrated. All glory and honor is Yours all mighty Father. How I can't love I am thinking, then we share peace; I will try to let go of any transgressions, a start to believing I am worthy, but I still don’t feel worth because I reflect on the garden of Eden, the Passion and my personal sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the words and my soul will be healed. Before mass was confession, but I still need to be dragged to the Eucharist. I will try to focus and try to make everyone around me invisible and the invisible visible, walking with reverent steps, I peak up from a bow and the tabernacle is empty.  He has risen! I can't judge good or bad I must just love, judging is not in my nature, love is what God is.   I am holding the Fruit of this mystery in my hands;  I heard the angels are Jealous when I receive the Eucharist, probably because I don’t adore properly; my angel my guardian dear please guide me. The tabernacle closes I sit the priest still stands, we pray a final blessing to help me get though the rest of the day. I am blessed, mass has ended then I pray with thanks. 

hope

Faith without hope has no substance, wisdom without faith will despair, heart of presumption is finite, love with joy is a moment, missing peace is a place to wedge in a lie.
Saturday I was called an "idiot" before mass in the confessional line by a very devout Catholic because I have hope in the future of America.  I heard from ewtn radio that the present is in the center, we are not built for a world of things passing; dwelling on time can't be healthy. Internal hope is heavy on the heart and external hope is so tangible like substance, so thankful for substance.  Hope is harder to find because of the all shadows.  The Light of God will alway shine and always warm my hope.  I pray we never forget this.

a whisper of "wow"

My Creator told me today at mass that I am worthy to die for. When I look at her beauty I understand why humanity is worthy of such a great sacrifice. Perhaps this is why I ate the fruit. St. Raphael pray for us.

Worthy to Suffer

"So they left the Sanhedrin rejoicing that they had been found worthy to suffer dishonor for the sake of the Name." Acts 5:41

"So they left...rejoicing that they had been found worthy to suffer dishonor for the sake of The Name." Wow, when is the last time you rejoiced at being able to suffer dishonor for God? I'm usually not too happy about the slams to my faith or religious beliefs at work or in the secular world. 

Yet this is the stuff that saints are made of. As Father so beautifully said today (and I paraphrase his meaning) "even Peter had his shortcomings. He wasn't perfect, he probably felt like giving up when he was expected to go from a simple imperfect fisherman to leading and feeding Christ's whole flock, yet he didn't give up. He kept racing to Christ--swimming even--in order to do God's will: Come, follow Me."

There's quite a gap between denying God and rejoicing in suffering for His sake, but if St. Peter can pull it together and lead a whole Church as a human, I think we can take baby steps and keep working forward to follow Christ through all our trials with a light heart and a face uplifted.

Hey Open Up, I'm Knocking Here!

(Sunday, April 7^th)

"God, I don't know where I am going or what I am supposed to do, so please open and close doors, as You will, so that I can know where I am to go."

I think we've all prayed prayers at some point in time that we may or may not totally understand--even as the words roll off our lips. For me, the revelation of the later came after I heard myself complain shortly after praying that surrender prayer: “God, come on! What do you expect me to do? You gotta open up some doors here!”

Hmmmm, God’s gotta? and what about that first prayer, “open and CLOSE doors as YOU will”...? Kinda makes me wonder just how well I understood what I was actually praying.

I don’t know whether God was trying to test me by making me own-up to what I was praying, or whether He just really wanted me where He had put me by closing doors and opening others—not the doors I was expecting Him to change, I might add.

In this short-term trial, my frustration ebbed when I started seeing the fruits of God’s wisdom in keeping me right where I had been re-planted. In the long-term sense, the experience has pushed me to start praying more for strength, trust, and Faith in Him and His infinitely good plan. I don’t know for sure, but the next trial may not have such a quick turnaround time from frustration to harvesting the fruits of God’s plan.

From Brown to Green

The first time I heard about the Divine Mercy novena was when a kindly old lady handed me a leaflet outside the Cathedral in Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia. We had just emerged from the Mass of the Last Supper on Holy Thursday and were standing on the front steps of the beautiful sandstone Cathedral in the Riverina city that I called home for 3 years while at college.
I was reminded of this today as our family recited the Divine Mercy together and it got me thinking about how even though the seasons are opposite, the emotions and anticipation are very much the same.

So back to Wagga and the old lady, I remember she rode up on a bicycle which she parked on the footpath and from a basket on the front she began handing out leaflets, tell everybody to be sure to begin the novena tomorrow (Good Friday).
We were all standing there in the warm evening, enjoying the last moments of the day and visiting (as we call it in the US) It was not unusual to ride to church on a bike, we were all in short sleeves , you needed to dress light for the Cathedral as they did not have air conditioning.

In the southern hemisphere,  Easter falls usually during the latter part of the Australian summer. We really don't have a fall season in Australia it goes from being really really hot to just warm then a bit cold. In New South Wales, the autumn is a time when the rains usually return after a long dry summer. This occurs, sometime between mid February and the end of April.  It is almost the polar opposite from what we have here in Ohio.

I say almost because even though in Australia they are headed into winter, surprisingly  for the people down under, Easter is still very much a time for renewal of spirit but also of regrowth in nature. With the autumn rains, they can look forward to green grass, some relief from the scorching temperatures of the summer and renewal of their green world which disappeared during the long hot summer. This is juxtaposed with our long winter in Ohio with frozen ground and short daylight, many hours spent cooped up indoors, avoiding the cold. We too long for the warmer weather and the return of leaves on the trees, green grass and the sound of birds.

So as we celebrate Easter together and recite the Divine Mercy chaplet one again, we are united not only by our renewal in faith in the risen Christ but also united in our joy at once again seeing our  landscapes being transformed from brown to green.

Fearing God

I have a new appreciation of the concept of "fearing the Lord" after an excellent homily by our visiting priest Fr John Curran LC. He told a story from earlier in his life when he had done something as a child and had gotten in trouble with his father. He reflected that when asked later if he was afraid of his father  he responded (now as a grown man) "I still am!"

Now I guess I had not reflected much upon the idea, but Fr Curran emphasized that "Fear of God" was really "Fear of offending God" this puts everything in a much deeper light. I asked father about that after Mass and he said it is right there in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I looked it up this morning and sure enough.

'It is in discovering the greatness of God's love that our heart is shaken by the horror and weight of sin and begins to fear offending God by sin and being separated from him." (CCC 1432)

This got me to thinking about my children and their relationship to me. Based on my understanding of "Fear of God" from before hearing this idea, I would have said that my children fearing me is not something that I would want. Now I think that it is.

Just for Me

Sometimes I go to Mass and I hear something that makes me wonder, "God, did You put that in there just for me??" This doesn't always happen, but when it does, I'm pretty flattered to say the least. 

Recently, I accepted a new job. I felt guilty about leaving my current job knowing I hadn't been there long in relation to the fairly large amount of time and training that was invested in me. Couple this with the determination of my employers to improve themselves after I spoke with them about my concerns, I felt like I was punishing them for doing their best to change for me. I also would be breaking a rental contract to move to the new job's location and therefore having to leave my new-found Church family that I was just starting to become really active in--and I wanted to continue to be active in! But I was torn because at the same time I am very excited to be going where I felt God is leading me: to a new job, a new place to live, and even a new Church family that He apparently thought I should become a part of. But I still felt bad for ditching all I had been committed to. God had plans and words of comfort for me.

In the homily, Father Kill said "When we celebrate a new job or house or anything like that, we are fittingly celebrating the involvement of God in our lives and in our victories." Wow, we are fittingly celebrating. God wants us to be happy with His plans, even when the way appears dark and mysterious because we don't yet know what it holds. He wants us to trust Him, His plans, His Will, His love for us. He wants us to celebrate with Him in Faith that He is guiding us to where we will be the best version of ourselves; to where we will be most happy. Thank you, God, in advance for where my road will lead next!

"The Lord has done great things for us, we are filled with Joy!" Psalm 126:3

Tuning Out, Losing Out

Many times during Mass, as I'm waiting for that subtle or sometimes 2x4-to-the-head moment (as one of my friend's calls it), I find myself sort of tuning out everything until the homily because "I've heard all those readings and prayers before." It's so easy to forget that God's Word is The Living Word and it has the power to speak to us in new ways every time we hear it. Well, when you're Catholic, that Living Word is sometimes wrapped up in a song that you have also sung 500 times and never really heard.

Take, for example, my 2x4 moment in the song These 40 Days of Lent:

"Abide with us, that so, this life of suffering once past, an Easter of unending joy we may attain at last."

SMACK! "Yo, you listening down there? Yeah, Easter is dress rehearsal for life and Heaven, and don't you forget it!" We put ourselves through 40 days of trials during Lent to represent our trials of life and then we celebrate our success with the coming of Christ. Ever notice how when you were a slacker during Lent, the following Easter just wasn't as special or enjoyable as the Easter after the Lenten season where you really tried?

Hmmm, now there's a good thing to ponder: how hard do we "try" during life? Heaven/Easter awaits. How much are you going to enjoy it at the end of your life?

Looking Back to the Start

Lent 2013. 

There isn't much left of it. Looking back through my Mass Journal, I found a page on the beginning goals Father Marty outlined in his homily that we can/should adopt for Lent. It is good, at times, to look back at where we started; to remember why we are here, and assess exactly where "here" is. It reminds us of our story, pin-points our location on our journey of progress, and celebrates our successes. Here are Father's three goals for us:

• Realization

• Repentance

• Readiness

Realization. Father pointed out that we must realize who Christ is. He played part of a song "Suzanne" by Leonard Cohen. He especially pointed out one line: "Only drowning men could see Him." How true. We forget what and who Christ is... until we need Him. Today, lets reflect and focus on the areas of our lives where we need Him most.

Repentance. Father pointed out that we need to let go of what binds us. That's why we fast; to let go of the things we want most in order to realize where we need Christ and also to draw closer to Christ by letting go of vices and distractions. "Can we do a 180 like St. Paul? We are in need of continuous revamping." -Father Marty

Readiness. We never know when our best will be asked of us. Our goal should be, after the first two steps of realization and repentance, to be able to say with reckless abandon: "Here I am Lord, send me."

Cramming for Christmas

As Father Fred said today, "Our God is a God of surprises." Catholics can get pretty use to having four weeks of Advent to prepare for Christmas, but this year God said "Surprise! You now have just 48 hours for which you must cram in a whole week of Advent." So now what?

Personally, I tend to hang on to the hope that "it'll all come together and work out" and I keep cramming in gift-wrapping, card-sending, events, work, cleaning, etc. etc. I prioritize everything which really means I prioritized nothing. It seems to all fit; everything gets done, right? But, what I often forget is that what I really should be cramming into this short week of a few hours is prayer, hope, love, joy, silence, listening, peace... If you feel like these are diametrically opposed, you are probably correct because I don't think they can possibly coexist together without us actively striving to incorporate them. It's just not going to happen. So do we (especially us Warriors of the Last-Minute Table) have to drop the Christmas preparations, cancel the online purchases, and admit our houses just don't look like a Taste of Home magazine cover all the time? Not quite, though maybe partially. Jason Evert says we should make our outer appearances match our inner spiritual appearances. 

Yes, in past years it feels like everything got done, the food is made, the house is clean, and so on, but often my inner self is a forgotten little dust bowl that is about as dry spiritually as a bone, and cluttered with thousands of unread and unheard messages from God that I never took the time or made the quiet moment to listen to. So this year I'm taking the practical advise of Fr. Augustine Donegan and applying it to Christmas and hopefully to infinity and beyond: "Pray 15 minutes every day. Lengthen it if you can, shorten it if you must, but never omit it."

Awaken

Last Sunday was a reminder, catalyzed by intrigue. The Priest painted a picture at night with a number of scenarios; car horn, dog bark, phone rings with no answer. He spoke about how disruptions from sleep (or comfort) would have a natural reaction of frustration; he also spoke of when we choose to mentally acknowledge God instead of frustration this would be a supernatural reaction. God please awake us, so your servants can hear.

1 Samuel 3: 3 – 10, 19
3 the lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down within the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the LORD called, “Samuel! Samuel!” and he said, “Here I am!” 5 and ran to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” So he went and lay down. 6 And the LORD called again, “Samuel!” And Samuel arose and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.”

7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, and the word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him. 8 And the LORD called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” Then Eli perceived that the LORD was calling the boy.

9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down; and if he calls you, you shall say, `Speak, LORD, for thy servant hears.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 And the LORD came and stood forth, calling as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for thy servant hears.”

19 And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him and let none of his words fall to the ground.